I’ve come to the realization that I hate the term picky, as in “my kid is picky, and would never eat that.” I have no idea why I suddenly made this decision, I was reading a post on a blog that was an ask the readers type feature. The title indicated it was looking for menu ideas for meat eaters, vegetarians, and picky kids.
Something just set me off, maybe it was the conversation I had with Erica on Monday about kids who never really gain independence from their parents. That may have carried over to today when I stumbled on the blog post. Of course I then brought this to her attention on gChat where we started a long discussion on eating. (Something that is turning into an everyday occurrence with me lately)
Basically I’ve decided that parents who brand their kids as picky are making excuses. Not for their kids, the kids don’t know any better, but for themselves. Instead of putting the effort into hunting down something that would broaden their child’s tastes and food preferences they just give up and make them pb&j or whatever it is that they know their kid will eat without a struggle. They use the term picky as a way to rationalize the lack of effort they are putting into the food.
Side Note: I am not a parent, I don’t have any nieces or nephews, and I have hardly any friends with kids older than 1-2. I don’t have to deal with kids every day and I can imagine it’s a struggle many days. But I’m passionate about food and think that parents should put as much time into helping their kids develop a lifelong healthy eating habit as they do making sure they get good grades and taking them to 2000 extracurricular activities.
Why this drives me as crazy as it does is because our country’s ability to interact with food on any normal level is horribly lacking. I’ve gotten to the point where I get frustrated when I see a toddler with a bag of cheetos. Parents of picky kids should strive to find something out of the ordinary that their kid will try. Maybe more varieties of fruit, cooking meat in a different way that changes the texture, or adding different cheeses to the grilled cheese sandwich. It’s not about forcing your kid to eat what you cook but about slowly introducing them to the wide world of flavor that is out there.
Our children are inheriting a country/planet that is in desperate need of a new food culture. It’s going to force a change in eating habits. And parents that don’t make the effort to introduce their kids to good foods are going to create another generation where support groups like this need to exist. Pickiness is an eating disorder, and it is a horrible way to live, but I believe it stems from parents making excuses, and not wanting to put the effort into opening up their kids minds to new foods. The ability to eat new foods, especially local sustainable ones that might not be the norm today, is going to be very important in the future.
So the next time you are around someone who uses the word “picky kid” try and figure out a way to help tell parents that if they keep making excuses, their kids might one day be forced to follow one of these suggestions.
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So much to say, but I’m not a parent either, so I don’t want to go there too much.
BUT, my aunt lets my young cousins get away with being picky eaters. They don’t have to eat anything she wouldn’t eat, and she’s a super picky eater. For instance, she won’t eat sweet potatoes. But my dad made a pumpkin pie, but actually it was a sweet potato pie. She ate it, and liked it, and when she found out what it was she got super mad for “making her” eat something she “doesn’t like.”
Also, I don’t care how old you are, if you haven’t tried something before, you can’t say you don’t like it. Haven’t tried beets? Then you can’t say you don’t like them.
I’m 22 and I eat like a three year old: I am afraid of most fruits/veggies and I only drink milk. I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember, and I’ve always been healthy. It’s not my parents’ fault for my pickiness–unless you want to blame them for giving birth to me. They tried, like most of these parents probably do, but it’s easier to find what kids do like instead of forcing them to eat strange textures and foods that cause them anxiety. The majority of picky kids grow out of it because they learn through observation that eating such foods doesn’t harm other people, but a few don’t. For those who don’t, I’ve read research suggesting that psychologically, it’s best not to force people to eat strange foods and to slowly introduce changes. This is something I’ve been open to, but it’s much easier said than done. I’ve spoken to some doctors who also suspect that trauma can play a part in it. For example, I can remember that I’d often drink apple juice before my mother died when I was little, but can’t remember a time afterward when I did. There are also some food I can remember being afraid of even before she died. I’ve had depression and anxiety disorders for much of my life and this is probably just another component of that.
Julie,
First, I agree that in some cases it’s a psychological thing and not bad parenting. For the record, I’m not accusing parents who use “picky” as an excuse of being bad parents. I just think they are being lazy in an aspect of their child’s life that they shouldn’t be. Again, my opinion and I am prepared to be ridiculed for it.
As far as the rest of your comment, I understand where you are coming from. I think people with things like anxiety and depression and other disorders may have issues with food, but not for the reasons I state in my post. That is a whole other issue that I know and have no opinion about.
My first word was greenbeans and I fucking despise picky eaters–especially when the stupid motherfuckers accept my invitation to come to my house for dinner and flat out *refuse* to eat what I made.
Listen you stupid morons, I don’t give a flying rats ass what your mental defect or disease is, when someone offers and you accept, you fucking eat what’s put in front of your pie hole. When you don’t, it’s not only rude but infantile and moronic. Being proud that you don’t eat vegetables is stupid and your attempts at laughing it off while shoving pizza and French fries in your face are nothing more than showing your contempt for yourself an everyone around you.
Grow the fuck up and get a life.
/rant
Bill, I totally get what your saying, but I’m not talking about picky adults in my post. Though I agree with your sentiment and get really annoyed with those who almost seem upset that I didn’t ask them if they liked asparagus or some other ingredient before I cooked. My beef when I wrote this is with parents who use the word picky. And for me it’s not about the rudeness at all, that’s a whole other ball of wax.
That being said, I appreciate the comment, even if it was a rant :)
Right on! I totally agree with everything you’ve said.
(disclaimer) I don’t have kids. I do have a 4 year old niece that actually gets to eat healthier than we do when at family gatherings. Not necessarily eye-opening meals at all, but at least fresh fruit and veggies. I’ve seen the PB&J scam multiple times when we’ve been eating out somewhere though.
Bill, want to come over for a black olive pizza? Its the only kind we eat. I’ll also have a black olive salad and a black olive tapanade.
And Bill, what if someone’s disease is Celiac? Would you still expect them to eat whatever you put in front of them. I’m very unsympathetic to picky eaters, but when we are talking diseases or not liking a handful of things, that’s a whole different story.
Julie, there is a difference between being a picky eater and having an anxiety disorder. I know you and know that you aren’t flaunting your pickiness but trying to establish that not everyone is a picky eater because they are making excuses, but for legitimate and scientific reasons.
Kassie,
1. If you put a black olive pizza in front of me after inviting me to your house, I’d choke it down with a smile–just like my mother taught me to do when I was 2.
2. Please be serious. I’m not talking about allergic reactions here (I always ask if anyone has food allergies). I’m talking about people who say, “oh, I didn’t realize you were going to make steak and serve it with asparagus and roasted red potatoes. I don’t eat that stuff.”
I guess I can understand Bill’s rant, as clearly (or I hope…) there’s something going on there. But you folks like food. Some people don’t. Some folks are utilitarian eaters, some are just picky. Eh. You can try to proselytize all you want, but there will always be someone who just doesn’t get it. As an ’80s kid who liked underground music, I played a lot of what I thought was great music for my friends, but most of them just didn’t care. I couldn’t understand what they saw in Phil Collins and they just rolled their eyes at The Three O’Clock. It took me a long time to let it go. Some eventually came around, others only liked U2 once I thought they sucked. Whatever…
This has nothing to do with liking food or not. This has to do with not being a rude dumbass when you go to someone’s house to eat. Be adults and just eat the damn food. Just because you don’t like something that you have a free pass to be an infantile idiot.
I like your site muchly, Mr. Conner…very funny and witty and interesting. Mind if I make you a regular link on my site?
–Rachel
Thank you Rachel! I will be checking out your site soon, and you are more than welcome to link to my site to whenever you wish :).
So I’ve been reading your blog for a while now apparently. In fact I think you even have a place on my MN reading list.
Bill, your rant may not necessarily be about simply liking food or not, but the original post pretty much is. I agree that there are certain social graces that should come into play when one is invited to another’s house for dinner. But your response seems a little unhinged, quite frankly. I mean, it sounds like someone was rude and that sucks. But guess what? If Kassie and I invited you over for pizza, we’d find out ahead of time if there’s anything you avoid.
I think you’re being a little melodramatic when it comes to kids who don’t eat this or that and then end up with an “eating disorder.” I hated tomatoes as a kid and still only like them in certain dishes now, my mom would even puree them for me on occasion, but somehow I ended well adjusted.
But my biggest issue is your last line:
“So the next time you are around someone who uses the word “picky kid” try and figure out a way to help tell parents that if they keep making excuses, their kids might one day be forced to follow one of these suggestions.”
My suggestion would be to not ever say anything like that at all and mind your own business. I’m going to be a father in two months and if anyone ever said shit like that to me, I think I would go ballistic. ESPECIALLY someone who admits that: ” I am not a parent, I don’t have any nieces or nephews, and I have hardly any friends with kids older than 1-2. I don’t have to deal with kids every day and I can imagine it’s a struggle many days.”
Ben,
Hey, I understand if you would get upset if I told you how to raise your kid, that’s why I put the disclaimer in there. Hell I don’t think it would matter if I had kids, you could be upset then and I would understand.
As far as not liking a certain food, that’s not what I’m talking about at all, in fact I state that I don’t think you should force your kids to eat things they dislike. My issue is with parents who say “picky” and then stop trying to introduce their children to new foods. I don’t think anyone who doesn’t like tomatoes is going to be a messed up adult, but someone who just eat grilled cheese sandwiches or the like and is never introduced to anything else is more likely to grow up with mindset that they don’t like anything else. Are they bad people, not at all, but they probably aren’t going to be that healthy as they age.
CJ, what I took away from the post was that parents aren’t teaching their kids properly both in eating and manners, YMMV. As for me being unhinged–no shit.
ben, if only more people told others what they thought. Maybe clueless idiot parents (I will be one in two months as well) would listen and then straighten up instead of letting their kids do whatever the hell they want and grow up to eat total shit all the time, people wouldn’t need to concern themselves with writing this post.
If someone tells you that your little kid is being a pain in the ass (for whatever reason) I suggest taking it to heart instead of jumping down the informer’s throat. Maybe you have some work to do.
Hey Bill, maybe you should call up these people you keep inviting over for dinner who reject your cooking. If you tell them how you feel, maybe you can reach a compromise where your feelings don’t get hurt and your guests don’t feel uncomfortable with the food you serve.
Bill, at least for me, that kind of feedback is only appropriate from some people (family, close friends), and in which case I would respect the feedback.
Conner,
I found your very entertaining blog following Angie’s—Babbling. You certainly have a lot of people following and commenting!
I like to say that my bones are made of hamburger helper, and the only spices my parents used on my food were pepper and salt. Onions or anything green would result in a huge fit by my male father-figure person, so we didn’t have them often. There was (bad, poorly-cooked) meat at every meal and I didn’t know there were other grains besides minute rice until I was in college.
I now eat (and cook) a diverse assortment of spicy ethnic food and know how to cook a multitude of grains I didn’t even know existed when I was a kid. I do not touch ground beef and only rarely eat meat.
The point? A child’s diet does not necessarily determine their lifetime diet. Though I’m not a parent, I do agree some give up the fight and go the easy route when introducing new foods to their kids. For example, my (8 year old) cousin ate fruit and rolls for Thanksgiving dinner and then proceeded to fill up on candy afterward. Not my kid, but I certainly would not allow that type of eating.
Cheers! And thanks for the entertainment!
Thanks Chris, glad you’ve enjoyed what you read so far. I hope to see you among my followers and commentors in the future.
I think it is definitely true that what you eat growing up isn’t the only factor in your eating habits when you get older. I lived off Kraft Mac and Cheese, frozen pizzas, chips, and other stuff through college, and now I won’t let that stuff into my home. Not much is determined by one factor. I’m sure some kids who grow up in homes where parents fed them all sorts of crazy and healthy foods grow up to be picky eaters as well. I just feel strongly about food, and this is one aspect of those feelings.
All, wow thanks for the comments. When I wrote this I pretty much knew I would get thrown to the wolves or get crickets. I’ve been away for the night but plan in responding to all of you tomorrow.
I have to chime in and say that a child’s diet isn’t an indicator of their future diet, too. My sisters and I (and most of my cousins, ranging from age 2 to 20) were/are super picky children. I don’t think it’s about lazy parents – it can be just about taste. From my experience, and I’ve always had a lot of young children in my life, they do actually just LIKE the pb & j (for example) better. Even if they try something more interesting, they go back to what they like, and as long as you’re keeping it healthy, I don’t think parents need to force their children to experiment. They’ll do that as they grow older, either by cooking with their parents or just on their own. That’s what I did. I think one of the best things parents could do to counteract their kid’s pickiness is have the kid make meals WITH them. When kids are a part of something they’re 10x more willing to take part in it. But hey, sometimes people just don’t like things, and that should be okay. The texture of an onion still makes me gag, but other than that, I’ve gotten beyond my former cereal-bread-cheese-only kid diet. My sisters have, too. I’ve watched (am watching) all of my 15 cousins be picky as children and grow up to eat anything. It’s funny because my aunts & uncles have had about a thousand different approaches to raising their kids food-wise — some who let them eat whatever, some who let them starve if they refused what was on their plate, some who would cook special meals just to appease the kid, etc. They all stay pretty picky until they get a little older. Obviously I’m no expert, it’s just what I’ve witnessed in my own family.
What I worry about isn’t parents trying to show their kid the widest world of flavors – it’s just being unhealthy, period. A toddler with a bag of cheetos is a problem. A toddler who will eat peas and carrots but no other vegetable isn’t a problem, just give them plenty of peas and carrots until they grow older, they’ll change their mind. They’ll eat more variety eventually.
Also, I should say, like Bill, I firmly believe in choking down whatever is given to you by a host, no matter how much you dislike it :) That is definitely something we were taught.
While I wasn’t a picky kid (I’d choose Lucky Charms over broccoli if I had the chance, but I’d still eat the broccoli if my mom told me to), the things I truly despised were what basically all children eat:
Potatoes and ketchup.
So when I went somewhere to eat, parents would usually assume I was picky and, in trying to accommodate me, feed me the foods I found the most inedible. I choked down a lot of tater tots growing up.
My $.02
I agree with much of what you say Conner. I too dislike “picky kids” as in kids who only eat pizza, pasta and rice (or whatever narrow menu parents allow). I also agree that manners have gotten so poor in this country that even my wife and I will sometimes not invite select people for a meal because their palates are confined to crap food and new food experiences scare them.
While I wholly believe that children should try all sorts of new things, there are times when a battle at the dinner table really isn’t worth it. That said, as parents we decide what our child eats and we accept, even embrace, that responsibility. We almost always give our son exactly what we are eating during mealtime. That means he must at least eat one or two bites of whatever veg is on his plate (he’ll eat any and all meat including fish). I admit there are times he won’t eat or even try what’s in front of him but in those cases we often offer alternatives like fruit but we always encourage (force) him to take a bite of whatever.
Some people in these comments have already associated this struggle with the bigger concern of the lack of responsible parenting and sadly I believe it’s too true. Parents too lazy to be involved with their child’s life will likely be negligent at mealtime.
I ate crap as a kid, but my parents encouraged me to try new things. They’d cook and I’d eat a microwaved “Kid Cuisine” (I know, ewwwww!!!). I ate fast food. I ate spoonfulls of peanut butter because there was nothing else i wanted. They continued to eat rather healthy meals and encourage me to try things. I used to pick the chicken out of the Chinese food dishes and eat only it. Eventually I just started liking foods and now I eat almost everything. I just fear capers. And my mother still tries to sneak them into things to get me to try them again.
So, I think you can let your kid get away with being a picky little shit and let them eat crap but you have to a) set a good example with what you eat, b) keep encouraging them to TRY new things even if they say “ew” and eat mac n cheese because they’re stubborn, even if they didn’t think it was that bad…. and c) teach them some decent manners so at least they learn how to find some part of what is served at someone else’s house and just eat that.
I also agree with Bill that adults should learn to get the fuck over it and eat what they are served. If there’s something you don’t particularly like, get over it. If you’re avoiding something for some reason, well eat the other things served. Just don’t make a big fuss. And of course health and dietary restrictions like vegans, vegetarians, gluten-free, well it’s up to you to let someone know that when they invite you over… and then of course they can prepare for that in advance.
So, bottom line, a picky kid can grow up just fine, but yes, the parents should teach them manners and keep encouraging healthy eating habits anyway… In my opinion…..
Formica,
You are a perfect example of someone whose parents didn’t force them to eat things, but continually tried to introduce you to new stuff. Considering you are almost as big of a foodie as I am you turned out just fine. That’s what my post was about, it’s not about forcing kids to try things, but about introducing them to stuff. It’s a small part in a big picture. Don’t use “my kid is picky” as an excuse to stop trying.
FYI – I removed a comment by pffft because it was posted anonymously. If you are pffft, I’ll put it up as is if you send me an email identifying yourself. Sorry, I don’t allow anonymity on my site.
I must admit I didn’t read all of the comments so hopefully I’m not being too repetitive. My husband is an extremely picky eater and it drives me absolutely insane. Our friends joke that he’s on the “carnival diet” because if the food can be found at a carnival he’ll eat it, otherwise not so much. Its unbelievably frustrating and I definitely “blame” his parents for a part of it because they don’t eat that much variety either. He (my husband) says that some of his eating issues stem from a bad daycare experience as a small child where he was forced to eat food he didn’t like against his will. I just wish that I could get him to try things. If he just tries it again and still doesn’t like it, fine, but I agree with an earlier sentiment in the commentary about at least trying it. There were tons of things I didn’t eat when younger (butter and cheese! I was crazy!) that I love now. People’s tastes change and they need to be willing to try again.
That said, I know your post was specifically about kids. As the mother of an almost three year old, its definitely tough. My son has his staples that he loves (Dinosaur chicken tenders, bananas, yogurt and cheese sandwiches) and would eat everyday for every meal if he could, but I also try to get him to eat other things. Sometimes, you’re tired, and its just easier to make them something they like. But I often try to get him to eat other things that he might not necessarily like. Apples for example. Or new foods that he might never have had before. I would/wouldn’t say he’s picky. I think all kids are picky to an extent mostly because they just want the familiar all the time. Similar to watching the same Disney movie over and over again (I can practically recite Kung Fu Panda) its not that they’re picky about the movie, its that they just have their favorites and they like the stability and familiarity of that.
I agree in general, sometimes saying your kid is picky is a cop out if you’re always catering to their demands and not feeding them healthy items, but a lot of times its just how kids are.
Thanks for the insightful comment Marta, great insight on both ends of the spectrum from adults to children.
As far as all kids being picky, that’s true. The familiar is comforting, which is why I still crave a box of Kraft Mac N’ Cheese on occasion. It’s what I grew up with and even though I find it kind of disturbing, I still give in occasionally. But from your comment I think you take the approach I hope I would take. There is nothing wrong with being tired and not wanting to fight, and that’s why I put my disclaimer about not being a parent up.
I see you turned the comments on. I was going to say something yesterday, but I thought you made the wise choice and kept them off.
That said . . Wow, what a picky post!
Here’s the thing about kids, despite your best efforts to corrupt them, lead them astray, lie to them, and generally send them down the wrong path; somehow they turn out alright. (paraphrased from Big Fish)
No, WordPress has some goofy flaw that keeps turning my comments off for me. It appears to know better than me.
And hey, it was my soapbox rant for the day; I thought it would start a discussion, and it did. Also, your quote is awesome and has me itching to watch that movie.
The most adventurous eaters I know all have stories of sitting at the dinner table as a kid until they finished something they didn’t want to eat at the time. It makes me wonder if that was the moment where they decided to accept trying new types of food, and have benefited from it since.
We’re going to have a baby in May. My wife’s a picky eater (we’ve made good progress on it though from when we first met 10 years ago). It’s not a stretch to say that my kids probably will be too. I will fight the good fight though. I’ll eat pretty much anything put in front of me. Hopefully my kids will too.
And frankly, telling others how to parent is not usually received well, especially if you are childless. I’m possibly saying this from experience.
This is great, Conner. You ask a lot of good questions, here’s my comment/reaction:
I hope you end up being the cook in your family one day so this can be a reality for you. It seems like cooking in a relationship is rarely shared between partners & even less so when kids are added to the equation. No, I don’t have kids…but the families I see who are _able_ to work this hard on eating healthy & fighting with their kids to eat well have a stay at home parent.
That’s why attacking some of these systemic problems in our society around food & our work/life balance are important. It’s one of the reasons why I’m overjoyed to be working at Fourth Sector (we focus on some of these challenges).
Keep asking the right questions, mister.
Having taken a child development class in college, one thing we covered is that the taste buds of young children are much more sensitive than the buds of an adult. This does not mean parents shouldn’t introduce them to new things, but selecting ways to make the introduction may be tricky because it is probable that very few young kids will decide they love a well herbed/seasoned item. Heck, when my brothers and I were kids we didn’t even like spaghetti sauce because it had too much going on in the flavor department.
Had to come back and post a link to the Chowhound boards on ‘Family foods I thought were normal.’ Entertaining and educational read!
http://chowhound.chow.com/topics/569873
Holy crap that is fantastic. So interesting and so diverse.
All kids are picky eaters. That’s part of development. You’ve got to introduce a food about 20 times before they’ll eat it. But you also have to hang in there because one day they will. Even if it’s green beans.