This site functions as an archive of Conner's Blog, which was a blog from 2006-2014 located at Images and links are likely to be broken.

Why I Do What I Love (or shutting up that stupid voice)

I have this little voice in my head. Sometimes I ignore it, sometimes I only sort of listen, but on occasion it starts to drown out everything else. It makes me worry, this voice, it tell me things I know aren't true, but since it's in my head it seems plausible.

Now this voice isn't actually whispering to me, it doesn't use words, it just implants thoughts. Thoughts about girls, about jobs, about friends. Why didn't she call you back? Oh, because she's just as busy as you are? No, the voice says, again without words, it's because she doesn't like you that much, never mind the fact that when you do talk to her she always seems excited to hear your voice.

This is what the voice does, it makes me illogical, it makes me feel like I'm in high school again. It ignores the fact that I have more good friends around me now than I had people in my high school. It distracts me, puts me on edge, makes me forget that I'm a 27 year old guy who has a pretty fucking awesome life.

And the voice always wins, unless of course I find ways to ignore it. Reading used to do it for me, also video games. But those don't work that well anymore. Cooking is one way I thwart the voice now, something about sauteing onions and garlic just does it. Biking does it too, though only if I go for ride without a destination, biking for transport is good but not the same. And writing, I never thought I would be someone who needed to write. But I do, when I focus my attention on putting words into sentences, and creating thoughts that at least partially make sense, I can ignore the voice. All things things help for more than just the action, they are drugs in a sense, but good drugs.

The truth is I don't think any of these things actually stops the voice, I think they change it. I think they make it recognize just how good things are. True, I'm still single, it's not like money is never a worry, and everyone who knows me knows I'm job searching. But I have amazing friends, live in an amazing city, and all of my problems are first world problems. Something about writing, cooking, or biking, makes those things so much clearer. It reminds me that pining on the negatives doesn't make them better, that I need to let things happens and not worry about things I can't control.

Maybe it's because I can control all three things. Cooking is good because I can take the last farmer's market haul and figure out how to make it into something tasty. Biking is good because I can focus on my pace, my breathing, and how the bike is running. Writing is the same, I make the words connect to each other and hopefully what I write will resonate with one other person.

So I need to focus on doing these things more often. More cooking, more biking, and definitely more writing.

(Or I could just shut the voice up and realize I can't control everything and life will happen as it happens, but I think I'll stick with doings things I love)