Today, I received an email from OkCupid with an attachment showing a flowchart to my heart. Apparently they boiled down a bunch of questions I've answered on their site and gave me a graphical representation of why I want in a girl. I was intrigued so I checked it out. What I found was the perfect way to weed out the women who are perusing me, or maybe not. In reality, it's created an insanely awkward first date.
Here is a link to the flow chart.
Me: My best friend told me he was thinking about suicide last week. He asked me to keep it to myself, but I contacted some people and now he's in therapy. So glad he told me about this. Do you think I did the right thing?
Her: Oh definitely, so glad things are working out.
Me: So is the earth or the sun bigger?
Me: The earth or the sun, which is the larger object?
Her: (looking at me oddly) The Sun???
Me: Good, last night I went on a date and she said the Earth, almost laughed her out of the room. (I chuckle)
Her: (inches closer to edge of the booth, looks around for possible escape routes)
Me: I noticed you promised you would be here at 7 and actually got here at 7:02, don't promises mean anything to you?
Her: Ummmm, well yeah, I got stopped by a couple looking for directions on my way in though, sorry.
Me: Oh, ok, good. I was worried there for second. Got to keep those promises, otherwise the world just falls right off it's axis. (giggles)
Her: Yeah, I guess. So how was your day?
Me: Well it was good, except for my boss keeps calling me an asshole. He started this about a month ago, what do you think I should do?
Her: Wait, he's been doing what?
Me: Calling me an asshole, it's really frustrating, I tried changing my behavior, but it's just not working.
Her: Well you should probably get him help, or just quit, that's not healthy. What did you say you do for work again?
Me: Oh, I'm an self employed writer.
Her: (takes a big gulp of her drink, edges a few inches off the booth seat, and prepares to run) Wait, you said your boss calls you an asshole? Aren't you your boss?
Me: Yeah, kind of limits my options doesn't it.
Her: Ummm, well not really, but....
Me: Wow, you have really nice teeth!
Her: Oh, (smiles, inches a bit less off the edge of the chair) thanks!
Me: Yeah, brushing your teeth is so important, so glad to see you take care of yourself.
Her: Well, thanks...I think.
Me: Yep, big on personal hygiene. Got to keep things clean. Showering is important too, how often do you shower?
Her: (inches back off the chair) Ummm, once a day.
Me: Well, that seems about right. So, is this a one night stand type thing, or do you want to see if this leads so something long term?
Her: Well, let's just stick with this drink.
Me: Oh, OK, well in that case I have one really important question to ask, do you smoke?
Her: What? Well, I smoked a cigarette a couple months ago as a friend's wedding. I smoked in high school, sometimes I just have to have one. What does it matter to you?
Me: Oh, well in that case I got to run. We are obviously not going to work. Thanks for the drink!