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Six Steps to Make Me Like Your Company when using Social Media

I present to you six easy ways to get me to actually pay attention to you on Twitter, Facebook, and wherever else you might find me.

  1. Write in all caps at least 25% of the time. This way I know you are being serious. If you aren't yelling at me frequently I'll forget you are there and likely wander off into a giant pit of earthworms. By pit of earthworms I mean sites like this and this. If you think getting my attention away from my friends is difficult, just try getting my attention away from various stranger's dumb text messages.
  2. Constantly ask questions throughout the day. Things like, "What is your favorite pizza topping" and "What side of the wing do you like to start with" are good examples. Once you start this, never respond to a single answer anyone gives. Just ignore your audience. This way I'll continue to answer your questions. Once you respond you're just like everyone else and become boring.
  3. Never post a link to a site you don't control. If you really want to share an article your company didn't write, be sure to start a blog so you can post links there and then direct all social media traffic to that site. I'm trying to kill as much time as possible during the day so make sure we can't get to the content you're linking to easily.
  4. Check into a location based service frequently and push those check-ins to all your platforms. This might seem counterintuitive, but I really enjoy sitting down at Chipotle and look down and see Widgets Inc. just checked in as well. Even if I don't use the service in question it's amazing. I'll know what you look like by the company logo you have painted on your face and come say hi.
  5. Occasionally, be sure to have me like something or retweet a link before you will donate money to a charity . Nothing says "charitable organization" like letting me do your marketing for you before you donate money. Always do this after major disasters. Never fail to utilize the disaster to your advantage.
  6. The best thing to do is be boring. Never speak directly to me. Just announce your latest sales, your latest article, and never act like there is a person composing the updates. If you ever engage with a friend or follower, make sure it's to sell them something because they mentioned a keyword you are searching for. If you actually interact with me like a person I'll probably have to stop following you since corporations can't have personalities.

So there you have it, six simple ways to make sure I pay attention to your company.

edit: This is a joke. If you ever follow any of these points you will actually cause me to drop your company's social media efforts like a hot potato covered in acid.


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